Do you hover over your kids with anxious anticipation of fulfilling an unmet need? Your intentions may be honorable, but the behavior may earn you an unwanted moniker – helicopter parent.
Helicopter parents are obsessed with their children and become over-involved in their lives. They overstep their bounds, cross the line and downright break the sound barrier of acceptable parental participation.
This conduct was encouraged when your child was in kindergarten, but now that he is in college you may find yourself being treated as persona non grata if you don’t come down to terra firma and let him live his life.
“You must remember that college is a time for your child to become an adult. If you are constantly helping them to avoid any sort of discomfort by treating them like a child, they will still be a child when they graduate. So, as much as you think you are showing love, you are actually crippling them for life,” says Boyce Watkins, a professor at Syracuse University and author of The Parental 411.
Are You a Helicopter Parent?
Maybe you know you are a helicopter parent. Others may be in denial. Still others may not have a clue that their hovering is actually smothering their child and stunting his growth. How can loving, involved parents recognize helicopter tendencies?
“One way to tell the difference between helicopter behavior and just being helpful is to ask yourself if your child can do for herself what you are doing for her,” says Michael Zentman, Ph.D., director of the Adelphi Postdoctoral Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy.
The trouble is, experts say, when parents over-function for their kids, their kids often accommodate by under-functioning. So instead of becoming more self-sufficient they become more helpless and dependent on mom and dad to tackle life’s challenges for them.
Hovering Over Admissions
While your hovering behavior likely started long before your child graduated from high school, college administrators are quick to notice helicopter parents during the admissions process.
“The umbilical cord is severed for a reason. To do a college application for a child is in no way helping foster growth or independence. However, to proof read a college essay or brainstorm topics is productive,” says Dr. Donalee Markus, an education expert and neurocognitive therapist.
Amy Tiemann, Ph.D., author of Mojo Mom, says parents would do equally as well to cut the electronic umbilical cord once their kids move out of the house. She suggests a daily call is acceptable, but calling so often that the kid is spending more time on the phone with you than experiencing the freedom of college life is not.
Brokering Roommate Disputes
“Unless there is a genuine crisis involving serious heath and well-being issues, parents should not intervene in academic or residential issues,” Tiemann adds. “This means staying out of grading disputes or roommate arguments.”
Some colleges are hiring a Dean of Parents, whose job it is to focus on parental complaints about roommates, expenses and their child’s emotional well-being, says Stacy DeBroff, CEO of Mom Central, Inc., a national mom expert and regular guest on The Today Show.
“There comes a point when as parents, we just have to let go and hope we've taught our children well enough that they have problem-solving skills, without always relying on parents to intervene,” DeBroff says.
Black and White Hovering
Still not sure if you are a helicopter parent? Our experts laid out some pure and simple examples in black and white.
- Helping your daughter with a few suggestions on how to structure a difficult research paper is acceptable. Researching the subject and writing large sections of it for her is not.
- Attending your kid’s college orientation is acceptable. Hanging out in the dorm room to help them unpack their clothes and negotiating phone usage times with the roommate is hovering.
- Suggesting career paths for a kid who is obviously talented in certain areas is helpful. Mandating their course schedule in line with those talents is overboard.
“Parents need to know that hovering and interfering send the message
that their adult children are incompetent to handle their own lives,” Tiemann says. “Being supportive is great, but it is important to realize that this is a new phase of life that requires independence.”
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