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Are You a Helicopter Parent?
By Jennifer LeClaire
June 04, 2008
Do you hover over your kids with anxious anticipation of fulfilling an unmet need? Your intentions may be honorable, but the behavior may earn you an unwanted moniker – helicopter parent.
Helicopter parents are obsessed with their children and become over-involved in their lives. They overstep their bounds, cross the line and downright break the sound barrier of acceptable parental participation.
This conduct was encouraged when your child was in kindergarten, but now that he is in college you may find yourself being treated as persona non grata if you don’t come down to terra firma and let him live his life.
“You must remember that college is a time for your child to become an adult. If you are constantly helping them to avoid any sort of discomfort by treating them like a child, they will still be a child when they graduate. So, as much as you think you are showing love, you are actually crippling them for life,” says Boyce Watkins, a professor at Syracuse University and author of The Parental 411.
Are You a Helicopter Parent?
Maybe you know you are a helicopter parent. Others may be in denial. Still others may not have a clue that their hovering is actually smothering their child and stunting his growth. How can loving, involved parents recognize helicopter tendencies?
“One way to tell the difference between helicopter behavior and just being helpful is to ask yourself if your child can do for herself what you are doing for her,” says Michael Zentman, Ph.D., director of the Adelphi Postdoctoral Program in Marriage & Couple Therapy.
The trouble is, experts say, when parents over-function for their kids, their kids often accommodate by under-functioning. So instead of becoming more self-sufficient they become more helpless and dependent on mom and dad to tackle life’s challenges for them.
Hovering Over Admissions
While your hovering behavior likely started long before your child graduated from high school, college administrators are quick to notice helicopter parents during the admissions process.
“The umbilical cord is severed for a reason. To do a college application for a child is in no way helping foster growth or independence. However, to proof read a college essay or brainstorm topics is productive,” says Dr. Donalee Markus, an education expert and neurocognitive therapist.
kimdepp
almost 2 years ago
im 18 and have done nothing with my life. my high school years were horrible, i did nothing extracurricular and as far as having friends was a horrible experience. ive never been to a party and i suffer from so much depression that i have no feelings what so ever. the most ive done with my life is take baby sit my three young siblings and thats it. i could'nt apply to a good college for my lack of experience and so i know find myself in a shitty public one. if i try to get help i'll be considered a selfish backstaber and probably get everything taken away from me. my only best friend is my boyfriend whom i luckily have by my side. i know that some day he will notice he's wasting his time and move on. she is an obsessed owman and her condition has gotten so far that she is curretnly seeing a psychologist even though it has not made a diference in my sad life. i enjoy adding people i dont know on facebook and see all they're pictures, its my hobby. i live on a tropical island and not once have i been allowed to go to the beach or even mention it. i also enjoy sitting in campus close to people just to listen to what a great time they had doing something or going somewhere. i got a new car that probably has a tracking device and my apartment will get "security" cameras next semester. i don't do drugs and never have or anything like it. i'm scared to grow up and still have to call her at work just to let her know im there and have her give me orders, i'd rather die. i wish i had someone that gave me counseling or talked with me. its not easy being the child of a helicopter parent. im currently studying biology to pursue a medical career and its not even what i want but if i want to get college paid i have to follow orders.
mattbruder
about 2 years ago
Yes I hate myself for hovering. My son will be 16 when he graduates in May and he wants to stay in school one more year. No one will listen to us. They say it is my fault that he is scared. It is just that kids mature at different rates. Just because he did Calc I and Physics at age 15 doesn't mean he acts like the 18 yr olds in his classes.
JamesH856
over 2 years ago
I love to be a helicopter parent, after the childhood I experienced with two alcoholics, drug addict kids to play with, it does a soul good to see my two honor students, accomplished violinists, homecoming king, totally involved in the school experience preparing to attend Cornell and Susquehanna, not entering a life of disappointment and drudgery as most kids their age will experience. I have protected my kids from the garbage in society and will continue to do so until they are ready to fall out of the nest.
PatrickC438
over 2 years ago
I think there is a difference between helicopter parents and parents who are supporting their college-age children. A supportive parent will listen to their adult son/daughter and offer advice or their perspective in the same way they would offer it if they were talking to any other adult. The supportive paren then steps back and allows their adult son/daughter to take their advice, with any other advice they solicited, make a decision - and most importantly live with the consequences of that decision. A helicopter parent identifies a problem their child has, tells them exactly what to do, and the either does it for them or makes sure they do not deviate from the decision that helicopter parent made.
We do a disservice to our children when we do not let them learn by their mistakes. If you are worried about how much money their mistake costs you - set limits in advance. Mine know that I will pay 1/2 of 4 years of school - anything beyond that is their problem. They fail and go through more than 4 years - it is on their dollar.
AlexandraA261
over 2 years ago
I also worried that I might become a helicopter parent. I am the mother of 2 great young women, one about to graduate HS and go to college. Foreign exchange, camoing in the wilderness and living through disasters and divorce are all great ways to prepare your children for the real world. Isn't that what we are supposed to do as parents? Prepare the kids for the real world? I have a very low income and have chosen jobs that I could be involved with my kids but also enriching to my life. I would like to make more money, but we have somehow managed very well by being creative. My children travel the world either with my job, foreign exchange or by mission work through the church. The children have grown up being fiscally conservative and learning to look for grants and scholarships to do the extra things they want to do. My eldest got an academic scholarship in first grade to take a summer film and art class. I am a first generation American and our work ethic may be a bit different than even second generation. I could take care of my self when I was 11 years old beacause I had to- my mother had cancer. Fortunately, she lived 40 additional years. Yes, separation is difficult. My eldest decided to move in with her Dad for the last semester of school Jr. year and I cried, but we are better now, more adult. I have a younger child with an invisible disability, diabetes, who requires at least an additional hour or so of special attention in the day. Evenalthough she has this disability, we don't see it as such. She is very mature and has become a spokesperson for living with diabetes, good nutrition and a healthy lifestyle. Shakespeare had it right with his evolution of mans lifefrom baby to old age. If we see the parent/child relationship as dynamic and not as a personal affront, we can help and guide wild creatures as they come into life into rational, creative adults not by holding on, but by letting go. This year will be hard as we decide on colleges for eldest, but I am so ready for her to be on her own so that I can meet this incredible young adult on her own turf and have her model this metamorphosis for her sibling. Yes, it's hard, since I will still be writing checks, but I will now have time to do things adults like to do and to spend more time with the youngest child for awhile.
PeterS140
over 2 years ago
At some point parents have to give a push -if it's in elementary, middle, HS, or college, most kids are not on auto pilot when it comes to planning for that great career or right path for life. At some point parents have to be more involved, be more interested in their child's education. My son dropped a class last week as a freshman in college because it was way too much and I had to help him solve that. Very few kids walk on their own into the guidance office and ask for help -
my son was so proud for doing his own laundry this weekend for the first time in his life!
cidsMom
over 2 years ago
Okay parents, some of us are being way to sensitive about this article. The author didn't name names, so why is everyone being so defensive. If you are not a helicopter mom, don't sweat it. If you son or daughter has a learning disorder, this article isn't about them. Of course if your kids has special needs, you will do things differently than the parent of non-special needs kids. The article didn't go into a lot of detail, but there are plenty of us out there who do go way to far with helping our kids. I know I sometimes get too involved in making sure my h.s. daughter
s grades/extra curriculars, etc are perfect so she can get that great scholarship! But then I recognize I need to calm down and taking a step back and let her make decisions for herself. At the same, there is a lot at stake here. Scholarships are very competitive and there are thousands of "perfect" kids out there. So I think the article is knocking involved parents, but just knocking parents who do everything for their kids. And we all know there are plenty of parents out there who do and then they wonder why Jimmy is still living at home with them at 40!
AlannaM57
over 2 years ago
I agree with most of your article but I did not feel I was "hovering" when I helped my daughter by unpacking some of her things while she made her bed and started to set up her computer to the university's specifics. All the while we had to get done in order to move along with the university's schedule for move-in day. I considered that being helpful. She is 6 hours away and so far, functioning quite well on her own. I have given her some direction by email when needed and she has asked questions to guide herself thru life on her own. Karen M
WilliefordM
over 2 years ago
Good article but there is one point I would disagree with--Amy Tiemann's suggestion that a daily phone call is acceptable--probably a weekly call is sufficient and you can be sure you will hear from your college student if there's a problem. I think a daily call or constant back and forth on e-mail could be suffocating, perhaps indicating that the student is not sufficiently immersed in his/her new environment, relying on new friends for confidences and feedback, etc. Totally involved parents need to find new projects to take up that time and space to give their students some distance and wirhdraw from the temptation to know all about the student's daily life, classes, new friends, etc. I write as a veteran parent with 4 college graduates, all thankfully living away from home, taking care of themselves and engaged in 4 very different pursuits in the world. It's not easy to cut them loose, but college is a great transition time to allow them to grow independently and find their own competence and success in the world.
GAP84
over 2 years ago
Okay, I totally understand and agree with the article. But it is not the same for all parents. Some of us have classified students who need the extra help and guidance. I am not referring to the type of student who totally can not do for him or herself, I am referring to the student who has difficulty with speech and being able to clearly express him or herself. Or the student who has attentional issues and is very forgetful even when on medication. Then there is the student who has processing issues and doesn't quite get all of the information that is presented to him or her because he or she is processing what was said earlier. Please understand that these individuals are indeed college material and are successful in the academic world but need a little more help achieving their goals. Where does a parent draw the line with this type of child? Of course I don't want to be a "helicopter" parent but at the same time I don't want to do a dis-service to my child who does need a little more help than others. It is a tough call and there is a fine line when it comes to this type of situation. I guess I am a bit paranoid because I don't want to become one of these obsessed parents. I have seen some and it is quite embarrasing, especially for their son or daughter. As far as cleaning the bathroom or the dorm room, I really don't care because I don't have to live there. I am more concerned with helping out with the process by giving constant reminders and checking to make sure checking whatever needs to be done actually is. Is that being a "helicopter" parent or just an annoying one like many of us are?
EmilyJ561
over 2 years ago
Some times it is just as hard for the parent to let go, whether a helicopter parent or not. Backing off and letting them ask you for help, calling or texting you, instead of you calling them or texting them first. It's separation anxiety for parent as well as student. At orientation, there was one parent that asked who was suppose to clean their son's bathroom (two people to a room with their own bathroom). Another asked who supplied the toilet paper, and yet another asked who was suppose to wash their clothes. One parent was insistant on going with their son to sign up for his classes because he didn't know what he was suppose to take and she just HAD to help him! (they have advisors for that) Now that's an uninformed helicopter parent. I am NOT a helicopter parent. It's hard to not be involved in her everyday life, but ME learning as a parent to let go and let her make her own decisions is a process that started as she grew into teenage years before she ever left for college. I have to trust that I did it right and PRAY every day!
ErickD24
over 2 years ago
Keith and Jessie -- I wouldn't consider you helicopter parents. Helicopter parents DIS-able their children. It doesn't sound as if you have.
It isn't what specific things a parent does or doesn't do that make them a helicopter parent. It's WHY they do it.
It's not so different from the parent who pushes a child into a specific athletic or artistic endeavor not because the child wants it, but because the parent is almost living through the child.
If you have raised a child who can make decisions, accepts the consequences, and knows when to ask for help, then regardless HOW you did it, you've done your job, and I salute you. I hope I see your healthy, happy young adults in my classroom some day!
KeithH3
over 2 years ago
There is nothing wrong with being a helicopter parent - you can be a helicopter and still raise responsible, smart, values-driven kids - I have two. This is the smartest and most sensible generation of kids ever and I think it's because we watched over and coached them more closely.
KeithH3
over 2 years ago
Oh yes, I'm a helicopter mom but my child is also very capable of taking care of himself and takes responsibility sensibly and very smartly--actually smarter than most of us seasoned adults - best of both worlds!
PeterS140
over 2 years ago
Definitely I salute JessieM20 ! My best friend is also going to visit her freshman son in college who has his 18. birthday in a few days ! And I believe once they are in the swing of things, it's
easier for them. My son is texting me he is missing me and the roommate issue is not the best ! But I'm not folding his shirts ..